Solum

 It was always as if I am alone. 

Recently, I have felt this thing wherein I see myself being alone. I live with my parents and do interact with my friends and colleagues virtually, but why do I sense that I do not belong and I am alone. This feeling does not involve the appearance of my family, but it seems to happen with the people beyond my family circle. I thought this was just because of how this pandemic can affect us but it seems to be different. 

I realise that I have often felt this even before this pandemic situation happen. I feel like I have many people around me; that I can be of companion with or something. A thought always comes up and says there is no one who could be a reliable someone for you. You may think that is just a sort of looking for someone as a partner or something, but to tell you, it isn’t. 

I cannot completely tell this exact feeling, all I know is I felt alone. Maybe because I was hoping that someday, if I did become someone to relied on by other people, they can do it for me as well. I do not want the “reciprocal” relationship wherein when I did something for you, you must return it then. No, that’s not it. It just happens that I just want someone to be there if I need a companion. You know, just there. Just to make me feel, I am not alone. No conversation. Just presence to feel at ease from a burden.

I never wanted to be with many people, but I just also want someone to be there for a reason.

I hope it ends. I hope you, who might happen to read this, does not have this feeling. 

Image source: https://pin.it/3e7l0L3